Dear Diary
by tookkia
Summary: The authorities have a certain way of running things...Draco's thoughts on life.
1. The Authorities

**Something my husband actually helped me think of lol, it is also inspired by a youtube video called 'Sad Cat Diaries.' Look it up, it's hilarious! This one is Dramione, assuming years later. I think I may make this into a compilation with different POV's…we'll see how the reception goes.**

 **Anyway, the usual, don't own, just playing in the backyard. Enjoy!**

Dear diary, the authorities have confiscated my wand again. I warned her I was done trying to play nice with that cat of hers. I will have to get better at non-verbal magic so I can blame it on Scorpius next time…

Dear diary, I will never understand muggle sports. 'Soccer', for instance, requires moving the ball with anything but your hands. It defies all logic. The authorities say quidditch makes no sense, as it's flown on broomsticks and any slip of the hands in catching the quaffle could mean immediate death. I explained to her the mechanics of it, but she refuses to try it for herself. She is a madwoman. It must be all that hair. I think it might be suffocating her brain…

Dear diary, no matter how hard I try, the chocolate cookies keep on disappearing. I know I'm only supposed to have one a week (getting older sucks), but I'm sure the authorities is the culprit behind this. She keeps mentioning her 'Aunt Flo' coming to visit every now and then, and that she loves chocolate. I have never even met this aunt of hers. I am sure she is lying and just eating all the cookies for herself. I'll have to remind her that I like my women thin…

Dear diary, I told the authorities how I felt about the extra weight she has put on. It was not pretty. I think she might be part banshee. She didn't even let me finish. Good thing I didn't mention anything past her once delicate shoulders…

Dear diary, the authorities insists on muggle communication devices. She says we need to stay with the times, that this is a modern world of technology. I tried to explain to her how magic works, but for some reason she thought I was being sarcastic and left in a huff. She's probably eating another one of my cookies…

Dear diary, today Scorpius asked me where he came from. I answered, 'The authorities decided it was time we start a family, and thus you were brought into this world.' Sweet and simple, I didn't think it necessary to explain the biology behind it. The kid's only three for crying out loud. But when he asked said authority who 'the authorities' were, I almost shit my pants. Luckily she answered 'The Ministry, of course.' Lucked out on that one…

Dear diary, this Christmas we are visiting the Burrow. The authorities finds it one of the most magical places in the world. I'd have to agree: how that leaning tower of shoeboxes is still standing is beyond me. I think this may be where she hides the cookies…

Dear diary, something atrocious happened this morning. The authorities and I were still half-asleep when suddenly a loud echoing blast ripped out of the sheets. It was the most horrific gas release I have ever experienced. In my soon to be demise, I nearly fell out of the bed. And do you know what the authorities did? What she said? 'Sorry, I couldn't hold it in.' And fell right back to asleep. I know marriage is about loving each other no matter what, but what the fuck? There is a restroom not ten feet away. I don't care if you are the fucking authorities on all there is marriage, but have some sense of personal hygiene! I may have to put a diaper on her from here on out…

Dear diary, a bag of cookies has suddenly appeared on top of the fridge in the kitchen. The authorities has not mentioned it, nor has she tried to vanquish them from existence. I believe it is a trap. I may have to test them before consuming one. Scorpius should be up for it…

Dear diary, upon further inspection, I have realized that the authorities is indeed, an evil, horrible succubus. Every night, she entwines her legs between mine, tosses her hair into my face, and then refuses to move. I believe she is trying to strangle me in my sleep. It is only through a small sliver between the pillows that I am allowed an air passage to breathe. Her demonic cat lies on my other side. There is no escape…

Dear diary, Hermione has read my diary. I am no longer allowed to refer to her as 'the authorities.' This may be my last entry…


	2. Regarding Scorpius

**This was too fun to just stop writing about. I apologize for any 'Behind the Mask' readers, I know I should be updating that one first but Draco monologues just come to my mind more clearly…should I be worried about that?**

 **Anyway, another installment, somewhat Scorpius related. Not as funny as the first, but eh, decent I guess…enjoy!**

 **Don't own of course, just having fun.**

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Dear diary, I have found you amongst the authorities belongings. I have to tell you, it wasn't easy. The contents of a woman's purse are, frankly, terrifying. I almost had my arm chopped off, so be grateful I saved you. Don't worry, I will hide you well so that the authorities never lays a hand on you again. I fear if she finds you a second time, we will both be Crucio'd to our deaths. I will have to do a better job of spoiling Scorpius, so that he can avenge our early demise against his cruel, cruel mother…

Dear diary, Scorpius continues to baffle me. The authorities and I bought him a present, some kind of toy hover car—I argued that a broom would have been just as well but said authorities baited me with a cookie and I suddenly forgot what we were talking about…It was double chocolate chip, with sprinkles embedded inside each chip. The texture was chewy, the chips gooey, as all chocolate chip cookies should be. It was absolutely delicious, and even though my inquisitive mind realized this very well could be a trap, I ate it anyway. After a few moments, nothing happened, and the authorities smiled at me. Aw. These are moments that remind me why I love her…Hang on, what was I talking about? Oh right, the toy. Scorpius latched onto the black ribbon instead, and simply tossed the toy aside with the garbage…Surely I was never this artless. Really, he must get this from her. There's no way my pureblood would induce such simplicity into a Malfoy. I blame that full head of hairs he has, it must be suffocating his brain too…

Dear diary, the authorities has left for a work related conference. She will be gone for an entire week. I am…not sure how to feel. On one hand, I will be free to do what I like without any repercussions. On the other, she left without leaving anything to eat. Scorpius will be fine, he eats worms for crying out loud. But I, on the other hand, may possibly starve to death. Ah. I see now. She planned this all along…

Dear diary, Scorpius will be starting pre-school soon. I think it's a complete waste of time. I mean, I never did pre-k and look how well I turned out? When I made this point to the authorities, however, she began to laugh. I tried to inquire what was so funny, but then Scorpius ran into the room and right into the kitchen table leg. I didn't bother asking anymore, perhaps, for once, she is right. Our child seems to lack a brain…

Dear diary, I have come to the conclusion that Scorpius is in fact, another man's son. Sure, we look alike, and he even has my hair color, but who's to say he isn't a metamorphmagus? I hate to admit it, but the authorities is actually quite intelligent, so I can't blame his stupidity on her now can I? And there's no way he gets it from me. The only person I can think of is that ginger friend of hers, Weasley. Yes, that must be it. I will talk to her about this…

Dear diary, I should have never brought up my theory. Have I mentioned how evil the authorities can be? I am currently staying over at Blaise Zabini's house. It is a cold, cold room, with too much light, and not enough curtains to block out the sun. The worst part: his family is vegan. There are no cookies in the house. At all. My spirit is breaking…

Dear diary, I received an owl today from Scorpius. He's four already, and apparently can write enough to say that he loves me and he's sorry about mommy kicking me out. He blames himself, the poor kid. And just when I thought I couldn't feel more guilty *sobs* he attached a sock full of cookies. I…have nothing to say at the moment…

Dear diary, I'm back home again, and Scorpius is, apparently, my son. At least I'm going to have to keep telling myself that. Little bastard or not, I've grown more attached to him these days. He's beginning to see the authorities true colors. He wrote his name all over the wall, and even though it was misspelled at least five times, I have to say, I was pretty proud of the little tyke. But then she arrived. And all hell broke loose. In the end, he received three spanks, and no more dessert for the week. After I comforted him, I made sure to eat his piece of pie for the evening. So that he wouldn't be tempted to disobey her again. Really, I'm only helping the kid out, that's all…

Dear diary, something amazing happened today. I've gotten used to the authorities muggle box of entertainment, and so while watching a documentary on 'bay watch', Scorpius busied himself by finding odd things around the house to build his latest tower of nonsensical items. Caroline, a young brunette, was just about to burst out of the water after saving a baby dolphin when suddenly, 'Daddy, daddy, hurry and turn it off, they're coming!' Baffled, and slightly irritated that I missed the best part of the show, I turned to Scorpius and asked, 'Who's coming?' The door opened from three rooms away, and Scorpius leaned in and whispered into my ear, 'The authorities.' By gods I almost cried. Almost…

Dear diary, Scorpius is indeed my son. And you are safe, for now. Until next time…


	3. Regarding 'Chests'

**Another one. A reviewer kind of gave me the idea for this one. The theme is 'boobs' haha. So thank you!**

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Dear diary, I have discovered the elixir of life: breasts. Perky, bouncy, beautiful breasts. I mean, even if you get slapped it's like getting slapped by, well, breasts. Pure and utter bliss, a great way to go, I'd say. Smothered to death between the mountains of doom. I have a theory that if I ever switched bodies with a woman, the first and only thing I'd spend my time in that body would be massaging and playing with my breasts. Hmmm, maybe I should steal a hair from the authorities head…Or even give Pansy a call. Atrocious pug face aside, the heaving mass above the girls navel... Let's just say I nearly died a few times back in the day, and it wasn't by the Dark Lord's hand. Too bad she's such a troll. The authorities does have a nice face…I wonder if I could convince her to get implants…

Dear diary, scales don't lie: the authorities have gained about ten pounds. Strangely, I am not completely saddened about this conundrum. I think it might have to do with her breasts. They are, well I'd be lying if I said I can't seem to stop staring at times. Why, just the other day, she began laughing hysterically over something Scorpius did. And they just wouldn't stop moving. Up and down…and then up and down…up…down…I might have to feed her more…

Dear diary, the authorities have forced me to attend her annual company party. In my defense, she promised me sex, and let's be honest; what more does a man live for? Whilst at said party, a very young, attractive witch approached me. We got to talking. She touched my shoulder a few times. As per protocol, I entertained her for a good twenty minutes. The authorities seemed upset. I tried to explain that this was really, all her fault, for making me attend in the first place. As a means to avoid further conflict, I suggested we leave immediately and have long, hot sex, as promised. We did leave. But there was no sex… She is a tyrant, this woman…

Dear diary, the authorities has decided it is in her best interests to start attending something called 'pilates.' At first, I was intrigued simply for the tight upper clothing she has to sport. However, after about a month of these 'pilates', I've noticed something most upsetting. Her breasts have gotten smaller. I mean, what the fuck? When have I ever given her the impression that I'm in this relationship because of love? We started with sex, her boobs got bigger, and the world was a better place. The authorities is clearly punishing me for something…I may have to start injecting Crisco into her morning bagels…

Dear diary, it's finally happened. Scorpius, the brilliant little tyrant, has saved our marriage. The authorities decided we should have a family picnic. When I suggested the backyard orchards, said authorities had the audacity to actually laugh. Sadly there was not as much 'up, down' action I so dearly loved…but I'm getting off topic, the picnic. At a park. A _public_ park. I don't understand this woman. Why would I want to eat off a field of mud-packed weeds, bacteria, and snotty-nosed brats? But ever the doting husband, I went along. And that's when it happened. A woman, magical or muggle, Merlin knows, but bless her soul, sporting the biggest, not to mention most ripe-looking rack that I have ever seen. I mean, damn, she could possibly choke herself if she laughed too hard. And as a proper wizard, it would not be fair to this fine specimen to not give an appreciative glance. But how to do so with the authorities holding me prisoner? And then it happened. Scorpius, my very heterosexual and undoubtedly future ladies' man, stopped and openly gaped. We're talking jaw dropped, rigid stance, unblinking eyes, and no words. And when the authorities realized what he was looking at…*laughing hysterically* Priceless.

Dear diary, the authorities is no longer attending pilates. And more importantly, she is gaining weight. Now, I won't say that I love the extra porkloin around her waistline, but I'm willing to sacrifice the offending lard handles for the sake of the extra plush around her chest area. Not to mention, there is a definite added jiggle to her backside…I will have to make sure I do not get greedy, wouldn't want her to get out of control and end up like that cat of hers…Or worse, she might look like a Weasley and, authorities or not, that mother of theirs is a walking manatee…

Dear diary, life is great. Not only is the authorities at her bosomy prime, but I've discovered something. Feed the witch a cookie, and she'll reciprocate. Nicely. I started off slowly, and each night I was rewarded with a chocolate-chip cookie sated and frisky witch. This one time she even used her breasts to…well, I'm a modest guy, I won't kiss and tell. The only down side for all this is the cookies… _My_ cookies. I'm feel as if I've betrayed an old friend. They have never let me down, and the authorities? She's only been around a few years. I mean, yeah sure, she did give birth to Scorpius but the kid jumps off the stairway for fun, for crying out loud. Is it really a fair trade? I'll need to think about this…

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 **Review please :)**

 **ps. A friend of mine asked me to write a dear diary in Harry's POV…I thought it would be impossible, but managed to come up with this on the spot. Yay? Nay? He's much more difficult to write, because let's face it, Harry is not Draco. And unlike Draco, he is a sweetheart! Anyway, here's a sample, tell me what you think! Please don't be too cruel, I wrote this in about ten minutes :p**

Dear diary, there is something I need to speak with the authorities about, though I'm unsure how to start. I'd thought about possibly hiding some of the lard reserves her mother continues to bring us, but I can't find it in me to go through with it. Her full face lights up so much over butter-laden biscuits… It's not like I would ever unmarry her because of all this extra 'love', right? On the bright side, there are some good things, I suppose. Her…um, chest seems to be a bit er…bouncier. Godric forgive me but, they are very distracting. I'm afraid her mother might frypan me one of these days for staring so long…

Dear diary, today Lilly came home with a father's worst nightmare: she has a boyfriend. And not just any boyfriend. Scorpius Malfoy. How does one even begin to explain to their thirteen year old that Malfoys are womanizers? I mean, sure the kid's a perfect gentleman—Hermione wouldn't have it any other way—but he is also _Malfoy's_ son. For all we know he is only using Lilly for her beautiful, pure innocence, and the moment he gets bored, will leave her heartbroken and disparaged towards love for the rest of her life. And as much as I'd love to keep her at home forever, the authorities will never allow it. She's already threatened to kick James out a few times, and he's only sixteen! Lilly's barely thirteen, not even the authorities dated at that age…that I know of. When I approached said authorities about this, she merely laughed and said it was perfectly normal. I tried to disagree, but she wouldn't have it. I'm afraid she might be raising Lilly in the same likeness as herself…my poor baby… I may have to pull the 'Chosen One' card this time…


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